WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A SINGLE PERSON

“I wish my sister had your hair.” 

An intoxicated man at a bar

I am single.  I’m single by choice and happy in this choice.  I hope that I won’t be single forever, but I’m also content with where I’m at currently.  

Over the last few years as I’ve been single on and off, I’ve noticed that my relationship status is a topic of conversation that people often feel the need to be both advise and ‘comfort’.

For some reason it seems like my singleness is something to be discussed as a bad thing or as an undesirable thing to be fixed.  This advice is often offered to me without anyone even asking me how I feel about being single.

And here’s the truth.  Most of the time I’m fine with being single and I’m happy where I am.  Sometimes it’s lonely and sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to meet someone.  But mostly I am happy, healthy and fulfilled.

I’d like to say some things before we go any farther.   This post might make someone think “I may have said these things to Tesha before, is this post about me?”  The answer is “Nope not at all.”  People say this stuff to all single people frequently and while it can be frustrating, it rarely makes me angry.  People aren’t trying to be insensitive, but sometimes, when we don’t know what to say in certain situations we default to a few well-intentioned-but-ultimately-thoughtless-cliches.  I’m hoping that by reading this post, maybe you’ll think twice before saying the following things to a single person and instead be able to engage in a more meaningful conversation.  

1: “Omg I wish I was single!  You’re so lucky, I hope you’re really enjoying this time.”

This is usually said by some well-meaning, well-intentioned friend who has been in a committed relationship for a long time.  We get it.  You’re bored married or have a long-term significant other.  Sometimes I’m sure it sounds nice to be able to do whatever you want and go out to bars and meet people. Being single can sound exciting.

But seriously this is the worst to hear.  From the comfortable perch of your relationship, the grass may look greener but to someone who is not dating, this feels like death by a million paper-cuts. It’s inadvertently telling me how I should feel and bypasses how I am actually feeling. 

Yes, I may get the opportunity go on first dates, and have some different experiences, but I also usually come home to an empty house.  I don’t have someone who regularly checks in with about my day.  Most of the time, I don’t mind this but these are all little things that people in relationships take for granted.  Even if I am single by choice, that does not mean it’s always super fun and adventurous, or that I’m not entitled to vent about my status every once and while. 

“Whenever you’re not looking for it – then you will find love.” 

This is probably one of the most common things that are said to me, and while I understand the sentiment behind it, I inevitably hate this statement.  First of all, let’s break this down.  Basically you’re telling me that I have to “stop looking for it?”  What does that even mean?  It’s not like I’m going to go to nunnery so I can have my Maria-from-the-Sound-of-Music moment where I accidentally meet a handsome Captain with seven children.

The reality is that this state of mind – where one is not looking for love and suddenly finds it – is a fallacy.  If you’re single, and have hopes of falling in love someday, you never truly give up even if you’re not actively seeking out a dating relationship.   

Also, it should be pointed out that just as many people seem to find love and happiness when they are actively searching for it as those who have a ‘meet-cute’ in a coffee shop.  So spare me this line, please. 

Which brings me to my next line…

Have you tried online dating? 

This is the opposite of “don’t look for love.”  If we single people are trying not “to look for love when we least expect it” then the flip side of this is that we’re “not trying hard enough.”  People often will ask what you’re doing to try and find a partner and often ask the “have you tried online dating?” as a way to say “are you really even trying?”

The insinuation is that if you tried harder than you would find someone.  That statement in and of it’s self is exasperating because on one hand people are telling us not to “try too hard” so that “love can find us when we least expect it,” but on the other hand we also hear that “You’re not going to meet Prince Charming by just sitting around.” 

I’ve done some online dating and had some successes with it – and also some weird dates.  I don’t have anything against it but if you haven’t ever tried it you need to know that it is exhausting! 

First you have to look for someone you’re attracted to and then try to figure out if they’re a creep or not.  Once you start talking to them, then you have to figure out if you want to meet them in person.  Then you meet them and have to figure out if you have in-person chemistry.  It’s time-consuming and yes, sometimes fun but ultimately takes a lot of time, energy and effort.  It’s not long-term sustainable for most people so they take breaks when it doesn’t work out.

But seriously, how are you still single? 

I get this statement/question is supposed to be a compliment.  But the underlying message it ultimately conveys is “you seem really great on the outside, so what’s wrong with you?”

Hey, you know you’re getting older, right? 

As if I didn’t already know that my biological time clock is ticking.  Please, please don’t ever say this to a female who is single.  I guarantee you, we do already know how old we are well-aware of our situation.  

Also don’t we live in a day and age where it’s ok to not want to have kids?  Can we start from a place where we don’t automatically assume that everyone wants to have them? 

(For the record, I would like to have them but only with the right person and I’m not going to compromise on that no matter how old I am.)

There’s someone out there for you.

Hmm… this can be encouraging and I do believe that people are trying to be encouraging.  But it can also be an isolating statement. At some point, I think it’s important for me to reflect and decide that it’s possible that there isn’t someone out there for me.  The older I get, the pickier I get, and the less I’m willing to put up with which leads me to the conclusion that I need to accept being single.

It is also said a lot of times as a way to close the conversation, but honestly, this conversation closer isn’t needed.  Last year as I lamented using the classic single person statement “I just don’t know if I’ll ever find someone!” My good friend turned to me and said, “yeah you may not.  But you’re pretty badass regardless.” The truth of the matter is that I can have a fulfilling and rewarding life without a significant other.

So what can you say?

Now that we’ve covered all the things that you maybe should think twice about, you might be asking yourself, “well what can I say?”  And you might be feeling resentful towards me.  You might be thinking “well I was just trying to be nice and now Tesha’s telling me I can’t say those things.”

First of all, I’m not saying you can’t say those things.  I’m simply explaining why they are often times unhelpful things to say.   Usually I smile and nod because I know people mean well.  I just wanted to shed some light on this subject after having some conversations with other singles about it.

So here’s what you can say to a single person.

1: You can say nothing.  Seriously.  I know it’s hard sometimes to just sit there and say “ok,” but sometimes that the most appropriate response.  And what I’ve found through saying “ok” or “cool” nonchalantly when someone tells me something like that is that often times if you give them enough time they will explain their singleness status for you.

2. You can ask the person what they are passionate about.  Maybe this person isn’t in a relationship, isn’t looking for a relationship and is content with their current status so get to know who there are as a person – not as a person in a relationship.

If, and only if they tell you that they’d like to date someone but haven’t met anyone yet, you can say: 

“Well, all I can tell you is that it’s out there.  We’ve all been single, and I don’t know how it’s going to happen for you but it’s out there.  There’s no formula.”

There’s no formula for finding the right one, but in the meantime choose to be happy by yourself.