TRUSTING YOUR GUT IN RELATIONSHIPS
“Do not fast forward into something you’re not ready for. Or allow yourself to shrink back into what’s comfortable. Growth lives in the uneasiness, the in-between, the unfinished sentence. You are a season of becoming.”
Sometimes you have a clear indication that this is the “right” or “wrong” person for you, but other times it’s not as clear.
How do you trust your intuition in a world of noise?
In the past, I’ve ignored what my gut reaction was telling me. A few years ago I started dating a guy who was really good-looking. Like, super-duper-omg-good-looking. Normally I don’t date guys like that because they tend to be arrogant and are used to getting a lot of attention from women. I don’t want to be fighting for someone’s attention. But this guy made me feel really special. I felt like I was the only girl in the world. When I expressed concerns over dating such a hottie to some trusted friends, they said, “This is the way guys are! They have some wild days, but then they hit 30 and they’re ready to settle down with the ‘right girl.'”
And for a while, that’s what seemed to have happened. I was living my fairy-tale. I was dating an incredibly handsome, sweet, successful guy who seemed incredibly sold-out on me!
But along the way, there were a few things that didn’t sit right with me. It started with being rude to his roommates, not telling the cashier when she rang him up for the cheaper pair of shoes, getting drunk at social events where no one else was… little things. These things set off alarm bells in my head. They made me feel unsafe. My gut was telling me to get out and end the relationship. Some of these issues I talked to friends about, and they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. I talked with him about these things and he would vow to be better from here on out. I reasoned that my gut was ‘out of wack’ from the previous breakup I had experienced before.
At the end of the day after years of dating, I found out that he had cheated on me. And the first thing I felt was my gut saying, “Now will you listen?” All the lies I had been telling myself about him over the years came crashing down around me. I thought of all the times that I sensed that he was lying. I thought of all the times that my gut had told me that something wasn’t adding up.
And so I ended things. I probably could have forgiven him, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that my gut instincts had been right. If I had listened to it the first time I wouldn’t have wasted two more years dating this man.
Ending things felt both simultaneously hard and easy. Hard because it meant saying goodbye to a relationship where I had worked hard every day to make it happen. And easy because he had given me no other choice. I had told him when we’d first started dating that I would never tolerate cheating. I had to make good on that promise.
That was a while ago. Since then, I’ve worked hard to listen to stay in tune with my gut and to listen to it. I recently ended a 6 month relationship with an incredibly sweet, caring and wonderful man. This time I didn’t have any red flags. Everyone who met him said he was great. But something inside me couldn’t relax into the relationship.
Choosing to end a perfectly good relationship with a wonderful man was a real test of my gut. Logically it didn’t make sense. This guy had everything on the surface that I had ever hoped for. Deep down inside, however, I knew that I wasn’t progressing in the relationship like I’d hoped. I could have continued to stay and hope those feelings would change, but instead I listened to my gut and I ended things.
In ending the relationship, I know that I am choosing to be alone with no other current prospects. At 34 years old, that can seem daunting. But what I cannot deny is the peace that I feel in following what my gut tells me. Anxiety, wariness, and fear are all indicators that something is off and we should pay attention to what’s causing them. When we follow our gut instincts we can feel confident and calm. And I’d rather have peace and calm in my loneliness than be constantly worrying about making the right decision.
If you’re feeling insecure or unsure of the next steps in your decision – whether it be career, or relationship oriented here are some of the steps I go through to make big decisions and to find out if I’m following my gut.
Step 1: Verbalize those feelings!
Vision Boarding is one of the ways I plan my goals and find visual ways to display what I want in life.
Take the time to write out what your feeling. If you pray, then pray openly and honestly about how you’re feeling and ask for guidance. Speak or write your fears out. This will help you figure out what you actually fear. Once you know what that fear is (aka “I’m afraid if I break up with him, then I’ll be alone forever”). Ask yourself if theses fears are possible, and if they do occur, then what’s the worst that could happen?
Step 2: Give yourself time alone
In this day of social media and our phone at our fingertips, it’s really easy to distract ourselves and to not allow ourselves to fully process what we’re feeling. Take yourself on a long walk, listen to music and listen to the process that’s going on inside you. Delete and block all social media accounts that will make you sad, or make you feel bad about yourself. We only get this one life and we do not have time to make ourselves feel any more miserable than looking at someone’s “look at me” social media posts.
Step 3: Talk with trusted friends or a professional.
One of my best friends, Liz, is always a great source of comfort and wisdom
Pick 2-3 close friends with solid judgement and talk to them about how you’re feeling. Let them know which way you’re leaning. Great friends will listen and they know you well so can speak wisdom into your life. It’s best to speak to people from different walks of life so that you’re not getting opinions from just all your married friends, or just all your single friends. It’s also nice to speak to someone who’s a little older or wiser. In some cases, it’s a good idea to speak to a mental health professional who can also help guide you.
Step 4: Actively Practice Listening to your gut
Whenever I’m weighing a big decision, I pretend like I’m holding that decision in my hand. In one hand I will hold the decision. Let’s say I’m debating whether to take a job or not. In one hand I will hold to “Take new job.” In the other hand I will hold the decision to “Don’t take new job.” Then I will get in a comfortable position – either sitting or lying down without any distractions and practice bringing one ‘decision’ held in my hand up to my heart. As I am aware of my body and as I focus my mind on that decision as I bring it closer, I notice that my body will either start to relax as the decision in my hand comes closer to my heart, or it will start to tense up. That physical reaction to a decision is our gut speaking to us.
Hold the decisions in your hands and practice bringing it towards your heart.
Step 5: Follow Through
This is the hardest part. We’ve all been there when we know we have to do something, or we know we shouldn’t do something and yet we do nothing. The longer you stay indecisive, the more peace you will miss out on. Do the hard thing and follow through! You will become stronger and better for it and most importantly, you will learn to trust your instincts.
Step 6: Be Open
The final and most important step is to continue to be open. Ok, so maybe this relationship didn’t work out. That doesn’t mean the next one can’t or that things won’t change in the future. Be open and willing to try again once you’ve given yourself adequate time to heal. Have hope and surround yourself with friends or family who will lift you up and continue to give you hope.
Take a deep breathe, dive deep and be open to trying again.