STAGES OF POST-BREAKUP
(When You’ve Been Wronged by an Ex.)
“If we don’t change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going.”
This is a post that I wrote on my plane ride home in February 2018 after what would have been my wedding week. Last year in 2017, I ended an engagement and cancelled my wedding. As I sat on my plane, I thought about the different stages of grieving I had been going through in the four months since the break-up and what I wanted for my future. What follows is a synopsis of the different stages in my process of saying goodbye to the relationship.
Step one – Wonder how your life is ever going to be ok?
Stop eating, or eat too much.
Lay in your bed and cry.
Make deals with yourself.
Tell yourself: “I can forgive, it’d be easier to forgive than to be alone.”
Wonder if you can take them back?
Step two – Have interactions with your ex that remind you why you broke up with them in the first place.
Have long, frustrating conversations with ‘The Ex’ that go around in circles.
Feel furious.
Feel like breaking things.
Feel justified in your decision but still wonder deep down inside how you’re going to make it through this.
[Spoiler Alert: you are going to make it!]
Wonder how are you going to tell people that you’ve broken up?
How are you going to tell people…
…that the person they loved and invested in
(because they love you)
…is not the person they thought they were?
Step three – Do some crazy things.
Buy a one-way plane ticket.
Go visit dear friends.
Drink wine.
Smash the pumpkins in your neighborhood with a mallet.
[this may or may not be from personal experience]
Sing breakup songs at Karaoke night at the top of your lungs.
[preferably with friends and more wine]
Jump off high rocks into the ocean.
Create wild fantasies in your head about all the hotties you’re going to date.
[So many! You’re single – the possibilities are endless!]
Go to bed feeling hopeful about the future.
Step four – Get back out there.
Go on some first dates.
Get excited about the fact that there are some good people out there.
Go out with that one particular hottie you’ve been fantasizing about…
…and realize that they are still single for a reason.
[aka they only want to talk about themselves.]
Feel good about the fact that you are in control of yourself and who you date.
Feel good about not dating the douche hottie.
[Hey, looks aren’t everything!]
Feel like you are a person who is taking control of their lives.
Workout a ton, eat healthy and feel good about how hot this breakup has made you.
[You go, girl!]
Step five – Have a slight relapse.
Realize that the people you’ve been on dates with are fine…
…but ultimately not what you want.
Realize that what you wanted was your ex…
…only you wanted the best version of them.
…the version that they chose not to be.
Feel sad about that.
Feel sad about the fact that you’re alone and you don’t know if you’ll meet anyone that you will love again.
Cry and order a whole pizza.
[Cheese and pepperoni make everything feel better…temporarily]
Step six – Decide to be single.
Decide to just spend time with friends and family and not to date.
That doesn’t mean you’re not open to dating…
…it just means that you’re tired from pretending not to be sad
…and from pretending to be in control.
Acknowledge that sometimes you don’t feel in control
And that you can’t always control what happens to you.
Invest in yourself.
Do good things for others.
Step seven – Have hope again for the future.
Be ok with not knowing when you’re going to fall in love again…
…but know that the next time you’ll get it right.
Know that you won’t
settle or stop
until you meet someone
who makes your body relax,
your mouth smile
and your heart soar.
Look forward to meeting them one day.
In the meantime though, know that you’re doing great on your own.
Disclaimer: These stages, while are written in a particular order, are not linear. While at times, I have been at Stage 7, I can just as easily cycle back to Stage 1 a week later.